Stop leaving the most influential relationship in your life to chance
Marriage is a skill
Marriage is a skill.
In life, we know that training is necessary to become great at anything.
We train for our careers, learning skills like sales and marketing. We train for our health, learning how to eat better, work out, and stretch to achieve the bodies we want.
But the most influential relationship in our lives? We leave it to chance.
Blaming the inevitable distance, the fights, the lack of connection on external factors or worse, we blame our partner for doing these things “to us”.
But the truth is, like every other important thing you’ve accomplished in your life, marriage is a skill that can be mastered.
Mastering marriage isn’t about being the perfect husband or wife. It’s not about having the happiest marriage every single day.
Marriage is hard. Perhaps one of the hardest things we’ll ever do.
Marriage requires real effort
It requires something that we never truly understand when the relationship is young and sexy. It requires real effort.
That effort looks different in different seasons of marriage.
Whether it’s planning more date nights to ensure you and your partner stay connected despite the chaos of everyday life.
The effort of planning sex after many years of being together because life has become routine and let’s be honest, exhausting.
The effort of getting to know your partner again and again as you both grow and take on different interests in life.
Marriage is a challenge unlike any other relationship in your life.
What I’ve learned after 10 years
After 10 years of being with Allison, I’m starting to understand that marriage isn’t just about “not fucking up” or learning to fight better.
Marriage is a game of intelligence. Emotional intelligence.
The key to a fulfilling, not always happy, certainly not always easy, but fulfilling marriage is developing a deep understanding of yourself and your partner.
Your marriage will grow, it will stall, it will have seasons of disconnection and temptation.
But if you commit to understanding yourself, your needs, your triggers, your patterns and you create the space for your partner to do the same.
You’ll build something that will pay massive returns on effort over the years. Not just for you and your spouse, but for your children.
Because how you manage your marriage is the example that your children are learning.
Many patterns are passed down, not intentionally, but unconsciously through many years of observation. We learn by what we see, not what you say.
But how?
How do you begin honing the skill of marriage? Developing the emotional intelligence that will transform your relationship and potentially your lineage?
Begin with this simple practice.
Ask yourself: How can I make my partner feel safe today?
Physical safety - When you walk into the room, do they feel safer or fearful?
Psychological safety - Can they trust you to not betray them, not just sexually, but with their most intimate details?
Financial safety - Does your partner feel secure knowing that if something were to happen, you’re capable of handling it, or is your financial stability vulnerable?
This isn’t easy. And we all have different areas of strength and areas of weakness.
My marriage
For example, the first 10 years of my relationship with Allison I was committed to becoming a safe partner psychologically, emotionally.
I used to struggle with anger, drugs, alcohol and these things made trusting me or feeling safe with me very difficult.
I had to face myself head on and address the root of my pain so that I could become the kind of man that Allison deserves. The kind of partner she can trust her life with.
Now, my next mountain is creating financial safety. This has long been a struggle of mine.
I grew up believing money was the “root of all evil,” witnessed my father treat money as a weapon and many other experiences that made me believe that money wasn’t safe.
Transforming these beliefs is the next chapter in mastering my own marriage.
Because my wife deserves to feel secure in our foundation so that we can build something she and our future children can rely on.
This week’s practice
Marriage is a skill. It’s the greatest container of personal development you will ever have.
If you begin treating it as such, you will not only go the distance but you will build something with your partner that we all want: a deeply fulfilling life.
Ask yourself each morning:
“How can I make my partner feel safe today?”
Something you can do:
leave a note acknowledging something you admire about your partner.
Send a text that simply says: “Just thinking about [specific action your partner did recently] and wanted to say thank you. It really made my day better.” <- Copy and Paste this, you wont regret it.
Or maybe it’s what you don’t do:
resist spending when unnecessary
hold your tongue when you’re upset.
Pick one of the three areas and take one small action.
Your teammate,
Matthew
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